Sunday, September 18, 2011

on purpose

I came to believe a few weeks ago that if something affects us deeply, then it must be on purpose.  This hit me when something apparently tragic happened to my husband's Remote Control airplane, which honestly didn't bother me at all except that it bothered him.  Then the next day he felt like God had revealed something immense to him. Through a toy plane.  

Thus my theory was born, and all that is to say that I have a kitty who has been MIA for three weeks and I am heartbroken at this point.  There are millions of people in this world who hate cats and would wish the most horrible fate on all of them.  But I love my animals like they are family.  I almost feel like I am more myself because they are in my life.  I feel like they are little, precious gifts given to me by God himself to care for and love, even though they give me nothing but trouble and joy.  So, yeah, this thing that is going on, which haunts me every time I walk into my house and know Max is not home, is important to me.  I cannot help but wonder at what is going on and what I am supposed to do with it.  On a grand, heart-level scale.  What is the purpose?  I don't even know how to pray or what to believe because God is throwing me for a loop. On one hand it's just a cat-- a pet-- and on the other hand it is my little boy.  Sometimes he uses these things that hardly seem epic to most people, to really pierce one person and I think it is because he knows us so well. At least I am convinced it is no accident. Max might very well show up one of these days or hours and waltz in like, "hey, what's for dinner," and all of this will fade, or he might from now on be little more than one of those gloriously wasteful things. But for now God has me in choke hold of emotion and theology because he has taken hostage of a piece of my heart.  He definitely has my attention.  Maybe that's the point?  I don't question who God is or that He is good, but I wonder at why he is messing with this.  What am I supposed to know that I couldn't know any other way?  What's coming that I needed this to prepare me?  What am I supposed to do with this?  I'd rather have the ending spoiled so I could go on feeling normal.  But that cannot be the point.  Normal is not an option today. 

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